She got to know him on the internet and he proposed marriage to her but they are not getting along
I have been working for two years far away from my family (during which I suffered from being away from my family and working too hard, and my outlook on life was affected greatly). Now I am working in a village that is about 150 km from my town, i.e., it takes an hour and a half to get there and an hour and a half to get back. My life revolves around my family, study and work. I have no friends and I only visit my relatives and acquaintances rarely. I hardly ever go out of the house except for necessities, or to take a trip with my family, or to go to work or to attend some courses. Sometimes I go to a health club with my mother (for health reasons and to keep fit). I grew up in a family that is decent and fairly religiously committed; we pray regularly and do what Allaah has enjoined upon us. Because of my work, and being away from my family, and my position among my siblings (I am the eldest), I got used to being independent and self-reliant, and to having others respect my opinion. My parents are the closest friends I have, and I do not hide any of my secrets from them. I got to know the internet in 1422 AH, and I looked at many websites, with the aim of improving my English and developing a way of teaching it. I looked for different sites that had to do with women, the family and married life. Six months ago whilst I was on a website for practising English, I got a private message from someone who want to talk to me about some issues that had to do with teaching English and the difficulties faced with female students, especially since he was a graduate from the English language college. He was looking for work and he is two years younger than me. After two or three exchanges on this website and via brief e-mails, he asked me some personal questions such as how old I am, where I live and the customs of my family. Finally he told me that he wanted to propose marriage to me, so I gave him my father’s phone number, simply to find out if he was being honest. In fact he called my father and about two weeks later he and his family visited us. At first our families were hesitant, especially since they were concerned about the way we had got to know each other, and because of our customs and traditions and the differences in customs and traditions (as I am from an ordinary family and he is from high-status family). After a few visits from his family and discussions with my family, he and I were able to make them accept this matter. Praise be to Allaah, my fiancé has been appointed in a village that is close to his city, and soon he will get approval from the bank for a muraabahah loan so that he can complete the plans for our wedding. After we had been engaged for a while, we began to speak on the phone (I know that we did wrong on this point, especially since the marriage contract had not yet been done) and through these conversations we got to know one another better, and I noticed a few things about him: some positive things (he prays regularly) which encouraged me to go ahead and marry him, especially since I had refused some people before him for one reason, which was that they did not pray or were careless about it; he is religiously committed and does not listen to music; he does not smoke cigarettes or the narghile, which also encouraged me because I had refused people before him for one reason, which was that they smoked; he is good natured and uncomplicated; we have a great deal in common and hold similar views on various issues; we are both teachers; we both work; we have similar hopes for the future with regard to the family, children and continuing to study.
On the negative side, I feel that his religious commitment does not stem so much from conviction but from his upbringing and his family’s traditions. He wants to impose some things on me, not because they are part of Islam so much as for social appearances, so that he will appear to be a religious person who is strict; the way he and his family look at me and my family – they think that we are not religiously committed and are not modest enough, and that our womenfolk are dominant and controlling and direct the men according to their whims, although I think that most men in the world do what their wives want even if they show the opposite. They regard us as being of an inferior lineage to them, and one of the hardest things in a marriage is if one party looks down on the other or does not think that the other is able to fulfil the duties of married life. He wants me to devote myself and my life fully to him and his children, and to stop working and forget myself completely and give up all my dreams of completing my studies, improving my work performance or doing any other activities, or even going to the health club. If I exercise that will be a favour from him because the time that I spend on these things belongs rightfully to him and his children!
I am not against marriage or taking care of the children or serving the husband, but I believe that it is the wife’s right to have her own interests and privacy.
He thinks that housework is one of my duties, and if I employ a servant it must be at my own expense, because she will be doing my job. He objected strongly to my father’s condition of providing a servant in the marriage contract, and he thinks that this will make him look bad in front of his family, and that my conditions are impossible to fulfil. Don’t the daughters of the tribes and high-status families have difficult conditions or demands too? Please note that my family only stipulated that because they feared I might face problems that happen to working wives with their husbands because of having servants, and because the men in our society forget that housework is the husband’s responsibility according to Islam, and he is free either to do it himself or bring servants; if his wife does it, it is a favour on her part. Please note that I do not like to have a servant in the house, and with a little cooperation between the spouses and children, and using machines, and using external sources of help such as sending the clothes to the laundry and putting the children in daycare when one is at work, one can do away with the need for a servant and avoid the evils and problems that servants may bring. Men nowadays are no better than the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) who served his family and did housework.
He wants me to stop listening to music and not watch movies and soap operas, and not to wear pants, and to wear the abayah that comes down from the head, even though I have told him about my opinion on these matters. As for music, I am not bothered about it and I will give it up at the first opportunity. As for watching films and soap operas, I do not think it is haraam, and with regard to studying English it is a means of practising listening to the English language. As for soap operas, I only watch those that serve a purpose and are useful. With regard to wearing pants, I told him that I am a smart person and I know how to dress according to the time and occasion and the people I am going to meet. When I am at school and there are official visits, or I visit people I do not know, I do not wear pants, but I like to wear them on days off or trips out, because they are more covering for me as I move a lot. With regard to the abayah that comes from the head, I do not wear it because there is basically no specific way for Muslim women to wear hijab, and based on my experience I have found that it does not suit me. The abayah that comes from the shoulders and is closed in front, with a lose headscarf and a cover for the face is better for me and more covering, especially if I am carrying things or carrying children, or I am walking a long way. He thinks that all the places I go on trips to with my family (markets, trips to the seaside, leisure centres, even the corniche) are places of mixing and he cannot take me there. I have tried to understand his protective jealousy, but to be honest I am afraid that he is going to keep me locked up in the house, and I will only go out to visit family and relatives which I do not like very much, especially because of the gossip, destructive envy and grudges that happen among women. He says that I do not know how to communicate with him, and my approach is dry and I often offend him. I hope that you can teach me, because I have doubts about my abilities and I feel deep regret when I see that he is hurt by me.
Praise be to Allaah.
When we answer questions, we usually draw attention to
We may sum up the things that are contrary to sharee’ah in
We understand this from what the sister says in her question:
If this is the case, and there is no mahram travelling with
For more information on this subject, please see the answers
This is what has happened between you and a man who is a
We have discussed the prohibition on correspondence between
This is when you say of your fiancé, “soon he will get
The fact that most people call this transaction a loan is
For more details on this issue please see the answer to
You said in your question, “After we had been engaged for a
It is essential to avoid being alone with one’s fiancée, or
See the answers to questions no.
You say “Don’t the daughters of the tribes and high-status
The answer is: No, not necessarily, because stipulating
Moreover, stipulating difficult things and making demands on
It was narrated that ‘Ali (may Allaah be pleased with him)
Narrated by Ahmad (644) and al-Nasaa'i (3384); classed as
There are reports in the Sunnah which point to the opposite
It was narrated from ‘Aa’ishah that the Messenger of Allaah
Narrated by Ahmad (23957) and classed as hasan by al-Albaani
You say “the men in our society forget that housework is the
Although this is the view of the majority, it is a weak view.
Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah (may Allaah have mercy on him)
She is obliged to serve her husband based on what a woman
Al-Fataawa al-Kubra (4/561).
Shaykh ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Jibreen (may Allaah preserve him) was
I read in one of the newspapers here a fatwa by one of the
This fatwa is not correct and should not be followed. The
Fataawa al-Mar’ah al-Muslimah
See also the answers to question no.
You say “As for watching films and soap operas, I do not
For more details please see the answer to questions no.
With regard to music and singing, please see the details of
See the answer to question no.
With regard to movies and shows, we already mentioned the
To be fair, you mention something in your question that your
But there are rulings which apply to having a servant in the
There are some things which your fiancé is asking for that
You say “He wants me to devote myself and my life fully to
For a woman to devote herself to her house, children and
There are many women’s voices in the west calling for women
You say: “He wants me to stop listening to music and not
We have referred to these issues above.
3. You say: “He thinks that all the places I go on trips to
He is correct in saying that these places are mixed, but it
You should note that his motive in not taking you to these
See the answer to question no.
Married life is wonderful and is based on mutual
If the woman sees in herself or in the one who proposes to
What we advise you is to set yourself straight and give up
You should note that happiness is found in obeying Allaah and
Please see also the answers to questions no.
And Allaah is the Source of strength.